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09 February 2011 @ 11:07 am
They say I'm a dreamer...  

Wow. It's been a while. Like a really long while. But I think today is as good a day as any because I have a lot of thoughts I need to get down.

Have you ever thought about what life would be like if things were different? Like if you took the road you wanted to take but chose the safe one instead? I do. Everyday in fact.

What if I didn't listen to my parents? What if I did go to FL State and get a degree in theater? What if I just dropped everything after High School and made my way to LA to follow my dreams? Those are the things in life I regret. I regret them a lot. Because maybe I'd be happier. Then I'd be doing something I love and something that I was BORN to do.

Now? Well, I'm just not happy. I'm going to be 25 in a month and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. At one time in my life I was so sure of who I was and of who I could be. Now? Now I'm not so sure of anything anymore. I have more questions than answers and it frustrates me to tears most days.

They say the teen years are the hardest years of your life. I don't think those people lived to be in their mid twenties. Because it's pretty damn hard. I feel so lost and I don't know where to go. Or what I'm even doing anymore.

I feel like everyone is moving in the same direction and I'm frozen, not moving just staying in one spot. I've felt this way for a while actually but everything is just coming all at me at once and it's getting SO HARD to handle.

I miss being happy. I'm wearing this mask that hides how I really feel so no one can really see what's going on. I hate being so strong all the time, it's exhausting. I want someone to be strong for me for once. I cry myself to sleep most nights because my brain just won't SHUT UP and I don't know what to do.

I've been starting to lose my faith recently because I just work and work to get my head above water, only to be shoved back under again, drowning. And I'm tired of it.

I need a break. I just want things to go my way just ONCE in my life. That's all I'm asking for. Something I can look forward to, something I can get happy ad excited about. I miss that feeling. SOMETHING that makes me happy.

It seems like these days I'm just ANGRY. Angry at everything and everyone and I HATE it. I hate being bitter and cynical about everything but I can't help it because I'm miserable.

If I had the money I would just take off and go follow my dreams and do what I always wanted. But I can't, because I have this shackle that's chaining me here.

Someday soon I hope to find happiness again. Find ME again. The person I used to be and the person that I loved to be.

For now? I'm just this empty shell. That's all that's left behind.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: indifferent
Current Music: You And I Both - Jason Mraz
(Deleted comment)
Jenjennymay on February 10th, 2011 11:23 pm (UTC)
Re: please watch this...
I do feel you. Once upon of time my posts resembled this. If you ever need anything let me know. We should chat and catch up. I really do miss you!!!