Well, I have my sort of dream car. But I really want a Porsche Boxster Carrera. Silver with a black top. :)
Wow. It's been a while. Like a really long while. But I think today is as good a day as any because I have a lot of thoughts I need to get down.
Have you ever thought about what life would be like if things were different? Like if you took the road you wanted to take but chose the safe one instead? I do. Everyday in fact.
What if I didn't listen to my parents? What if I did go to FL State and get a degree in theater? What if I just dropped everything after High School and made my way to LA to follow my dreams? Those are the things in life I regret. I regret them a lot. Because maybe I'd be happier. Then I'd be doing something I love and something that I was BORN to do.
Now? Well, I'm just not happy. I'm going to be 25 in a month and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. At one time in my life I was so sure of who I was and of who I could be. Now? Now I'm not so sure of anything anymore. I have more questions than answers and it frustrates me to tears most days.
They say the teen years are the hardest years of your life. I don't think those people lived to be in their mid twenties. Because it's pretty damn hard. I feel so lost and I don't know where to go. Or what I'm even doing anymore.
I feel like everyone is moving in the same direction and I'm frozen, not moving just staying in one spot. I've felt this way for a while actually but everything is just coming all at me at once and it's getting SO HARD to handle.
I miss being happy. I'm wearing this mask that hides how I really feel so no one can really see what's going on. I hate being so strong all the time, it's exhausting. I want someone to be strong for me for once. I cry myself to sleep most nights because my brain just won't SHUT UP and I don't know what to do.
I've been starting to lose my faith recently because I just work and work to get my head above water, only to be shoved back under again, drowning. And I'm tired of it.
I need a break. I just want things to go my way just ONCE in my life. That's all I'm asking for. Something I can look forward to, something I can get happy ad excited about. I miss that feeling. SOMETHING that makes me happy.
It seems like these days I'm just ANGRY. Angry at everything and everyone and I HATE it. I hate being bitter and cynical about everything but I can't help it because I'm miserable.
If I had the money I would just take off and go follow my dreams and do what I always wanted. But I can't, because I have this shackle that's chaining me here.
Someday soon I hope to find happiness again. Find ME again. The person I used to be and the person that I loved to be.
For now? I'm just this empty shell. That's all that's left behind.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
1. I make music videos. It can be anything. Clips from movies, regular people. Just add music and done. I can edit clips too and manipulate them how I want. Just something to keep myself busy sometimes.
2. I collect hats and sunglasses. Everywhere I go I either buy a hat or a pair(s) of sunglasses. I'm obsessed. I have a pair of sunglasses for every outfit I own.
3. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. Hey, it's not easy always being happy.
4. I have this crazy obsession with Grissom and Sara. I guess I like the complexity of the fairy tale and the relationship. They are so unperfectly perfect that it's better than any Disney happy ending I've seen. And someday I hope to find someone to love me like that.
5. I like to read. Sometimes when I'm by myself or have things on my mind, I like to get away from the real world and get lost in someone elses thoughts other than mine for a while.
6. Music is my life. It really is. Everytime I'm upset or am going through something, I ALWAYS listen to music. It takes me away from reality. I like to listen to a lot of different genres. I'm really actually liking The Temptations lately. They had some great stuff in the day.
7. I write songs. Putting your thoughts down on paper really is theraputic. It gets everything off your chest to make you feel better. ANything you've ever wanted to say to someone, writing is the best way to do it.
8. I like to read Fan Fiction. It's my guilty pleasure. You ever wonder what happens when the writers leave you hanging on a certain story line? I go to fan fiction to fill that void. Most of the time, their stuff is better than the actual writers of the show.
9. I sing everywhere. At home. In the car. At work. In the shower. Even though I don't do it very well, I still enjoy it. :)
10. I can bake. I can't cook worth squat, but I can bake like Betty Crocker. Homemade Chocolate Cookies are my specialty.
i am tagging all my LJ friends out there... lemme know a little more about YOU!
Happy friggin' Thanksgiving.